


Oh, to be your friend is to make a deal with the Devil

by Water_drops



Category: Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster (Podcast)
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Enemies to Lovers, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:55:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23887045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Water_drops/pseuds/Water_drops
Summary: From the dialogue prompts:"We're not friends and you fuckin know it""You look at me and my heart skips a beat"..“I believe I was promised he would be on the other end of the table” You tried to project as much annoyance as possible at her.“Opposite sides. I said opposite sides, not opposite ends.” she says with a touch of laughter.“You’re lucky you’re my best friend because otherwise I would throw hands right here in the middle of your dining room.”“I love you too.”
Relationships: James Acaster/Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 35





	Oh, to be your friend is to make a deal with the Devil

**Author's Note:**

> This the first thing I've ever shared with the world. Normally I just send my writing to my best friend but I figured why not? That being said, please give any and all feedback you have. I'm still learning and I know I have a long ways to go. Thank you for reading.! (Also.!! I in no way, shape, or form believe James behaves like he does in this. It just happened to be what came to mind with those prompts and this has NOT been proof read)

“Is he going to be there?” you ask, voice filled with annoyance.

“He’s Ed’s best friend, of course he is going to be there.” Charlie already sounds exasperated with you. 

“Char, I love you but I’m not going if James is there. I’m not dealing with his attitude.”   
You receive a dramatic sigh of frustration from Charlie before a beat of silence, both of you too stubborn to give up. 

“Please. You’re my best friend and this dinner party is really important to me. You don’t even have to talk to him!” Her voice has gained a pleading tone to it at this point, “ look, I’ll tell Ed to put James on the other side of the table.”

“Fine. I’ll go,” you all but groan out, making sure to add, “but I’m not going to promise I’ll be on my best behavior. If he starts something then I’ll be sure to finish it.” 

“God yes, thank you! You won’t even know he’s there, I promise” She excitedly confirms. 

* * *

You think back on the conversation with a small sense of irritation when you see the place settings on the long table. James will be sitting exactly opposite of you when he gets here. Looking around the room, you noticed how formal everything is. This must be an important dinner if she pulled out her grandmother’s old china. There are at least 15 place settings set up; therefore, James should just be moved to the other side of the planet so no one has to deal with him. You’re too busy thinking of all the ways you could get rid of James to notice Charlie walking back in. Quickly, you set down his name card with a scoff, being sure to ignore her grin. 

“I believe I was promised _he_ would be on the other end of the table” You tried to project as much annoyance as possible at her. 

“Opposite sides. I said opposite sides, not opposite ends.” she says with a touch of laughter. 

“You’re lucky you’re my best friend because otherwise I would throw hands right here in the middle of your dining room.” 

“I love you too.” 

* * *

An hour later and three whiskey’s in, you’re struggling to bite your tongue while nearly bouncing off the walls with irritation. The smug bastard sitting across from you has spent the whole dinner challenging your stories and ideas. 

Leaning over to Charlie, you whisper “I can’t handle much more of this. I know this dinner is important to you and it seems to be going well with everyone else, but c’mon” 

“You can’t leave until after dessert, it’s your favorite part,” she says as she pulls _that_ face, the one where she looks innocent, sweet, and hopeful all at once, the one she knows you can’t say no to. Opting not to reply, you simply roll your eyes in response but tune back into the conversation happening at your end of the table. 

Ed is ranting about some heavy metal album being the best thing to happen to music ever. Which is obviously not true, so you decide to chime in. 

“One album cannot possibly capture how wonderful music can be as a whole” You let out exasperated at the same time James announces. 

“2016 as a whole is clearly the best sum up of music to date.” The two of you stare at each other for a moment waiting to see who will back down first. 

You decide to start, “as I was saying,” but before you could get any farther a voice pipes in. 

“You agree with me. Thank you, Y/N.” James says rather mockingly, “this is why we’re friends. You get me…” 

“We’re not friends and you fuckin know it.” you deadpan. Why can’t he let you get through one sentence? He has his face propped on his hand, arm leaning on the table looking rather attractive. Wait no, not attractive as if that string bean could ever be considered cute. No, he looks like a condescending ass.

“Just admit you love me so we can move on” he counters back with a smirk on his face. 

You ignore him, instead opting to defend yourself, “now, as _I_ was saying,” sending a glare James’ way, “music is so broad that you can’t have one album from one genra that represents the best of them all.” 

You hear Charlie giggle next to you, turning to her you see her eyes darting back and forth between you and James. Odd. Raising an eyebrow, you give her a look that says ‘what the fuck are you up to?’ but she ignores it, instead opting to stand and get the dessert. Ed leaves with her to help. Sighing quietly, you turn away from James and towards the other end of the table wishing the conversation is something you can get into. Unfortunately, the rest of the table is talking about some festival they did together so you decide to just listen and enjoy the stories. 

Dessert goes by rather uneventfully, you stick to mainly talking to just Charlie and mind your own business even when you have opinions on what _some people_ are saying. Before you know it, everyone else but you and James have left. Realizing how late it has gotten, you start to pack up to leave. 

“Think I should head home. It’s a long walk and some of us actually work for a living” you tease, putting your coat on. 

“I don’t want you walking all the way back by yourself at 3 am. It isn’t safe.” she responds 

You hear another voice pipe up, “I agree and not just because she’s my fiance, but because she has a good point. It isn’t safe for you to walk home at this time.” Ed comes closer to the two of you as he talks, James trailing behind him. “James would be more than happy to walk you home” 

“No” 

“Absolutely not.” you both reply simultaneously. 

“Charlie, Ed,” you fake a smile, “I can walk myself home thank you very much. I don’t need help from anyone let alone this lanky, awkward smug bastard.” your hand points to James while you talk to emphasize your point. 

“Y/N, James please.You both live the same direction. You don’t even have to talk, just make sure neither of you dies.” Ed attempts to reason. 

“Fine.” James caves. 

You glare, debating if the fight is worth your sanity at this point, but then Charlie gives you that look again and you know you’ve lost. 

“Alright, fine. Let's just get this over with.” 

You say your goodbyes and tell Charlie she owes you for this,then you and James are on your way. Walking out into the cold darkness silently. 

* * *

The two of you spend the majority of the journey home walking in silence occasionally glancing at one another. You can feel his eyes on you rather often and it’s making you feel self conscious. After making awkward eye contact a couple of times, you decide to call him out on it. 

“Would you quit looking at me.” 

“Sorry. You just look kind of, I don’t know, cute all bundled up with a red nose.” he says in a surprisingly shy voice. 

Baffled, you respond “ well stop,” you pause to look at him, “It’s weird and I don’t like how it makes me feel” 

You get a face at that. His eyebrow raises in question but before he could get any farther, you put a stop to it. 

“No,I will not explain. Just forget I said anything and stop looking at me” 

“I’ll stop looking when you tell me.”

“No.” 

“Yes.” 

“Absolutely not.” 

“What if I said please?” 

“James, I’m serious.” your voices starting to raise.

“So am I.” 

“James.” 

“Y/N. Just tell me.” annoyance has seeped into his voice. 

“I don’t need to explain myself to you.” 

“For fucks sake, just tell me.” The two of you have stopped walking and are just standing in the middle of the empty sidewalk staring at each other. Voices raised, irritation is radiating off both of you. “Seriously, what is your problem” 

Frustrated (read embarrassed) , you all but yell “ You look at me and my heart skips a beat. Okay? Is that what you wanted to hear? Every time you look at me like that, I think ‘oh maybe he’s not so bad’ but then you open your mouth and all you do is question everything I say,” Your voice lowers the longer you speak until it’s just a squeak, “I don’t understand, James” 

“Y/N listen,” his voice is softer now, his hand reaching for yours, “You’re tough and persistent and decisive,” he pauses, “You are insanely stubborn.” 

“Thanks, I sound like a wonderful person to be around. You really know how to make a girl feel better.” 

He continues despite your cut in, “but you’re also the most honest person I’ve ever met and you’re strong and smart and funny,” a small pause as he figures out his thoughts, “you’re confident and caring and you’re sexy. Y/N, I didn’t… I don’t know how to handle the amount of feelings I have for you.” 

“Oh.” 

“The first night we met you lit up the room. There was no way you were going to lose a debate with some drunk asshole. You had me then and there,” he timidly points out. 

Feeling like your world has turned upside down, you stumble over your words slightly, “you, no, me? What?” 

James smiles softly at that, “yeah, you. I don’t know what happened over the course of that night but the longer it went on the more you withdrew from us, from me.” 

“You, um, you seemed tired of me the longer the night went on. I thought we hit it off well but every time I came close, you changed the conversation.” 

“Well yeah, Ed and I were talking about you. I couldn’t just continue when you popped in.” 

“How do I know this isn’t some kind of joke,” you reply, trying to change the subject, slightly overwhelmed. 

“You just have to trust me,” James shrugs, giving a kind smile. 


End file.
